I Was Not Made To Be Subtle

Not Aware of the Source

I so badly wish that I could write this with the hopes of feeling better, that I'd come out of this post hopeful and positive, but I don't believe it.

You see, I've recently gone through some shit. I'm sorry if you are bothered by that word, but it's the only word that truly expresses what I've been going through, honestly, I'm restraining myself from using other expletives.

I saw this quote recently that said, "There are two types of tired I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep. The other is a dire need of peace."

I'm the later. I'm just tired. I have been trying so hard to live my life positively, hopeful. Trying to take control of whatever I can. I thought that this year; 2019, was finally the year I would find true happiness and peace. That things would start working out. And yet, right when I start believing, I get kicked right back down. And I'm tired. Just so tired of continually failing.

My parents have always, especially in the last few years, said to believe the best in people. People can do idiotic things, or make mistakes, but just try and assume the best. It'll make your life easier. Well, I'm tired of trying to believe the best in people when they don't give me the same courtesy.

I just want people to know how hard it is to be disabled, particularly to have an invisible disability. People assume you are fine, "normal". To which I say, what is normal? What, because I'm not in a wheelchair or need crutches or whatever else, my life is automatically easy? I'm not going through continuous hell? I'm not fine. I'm far from it. We take trainings for either work or school that describe scenarios of discrimination and harassment, and yet, it still happens. It still happens and I've had enough. People are being more open about the harassment they've experienced, and its created conversations that I'm all for. But where are the conversations about disability? Who is talking about it outside their homes?

People often wonder why I'm so outspoken, so willing to share everything about myself. I thoroughly enjoy sharing those details, there is always something stupid or emotional or unique, that people can relate to. It gets rid of small talk and makes every single conversation genuine. Lately, I've realized there are things that I need to share with others. Not many people I know, know many people with epilepsy. It's a disability sure, but it's rarely talked about. And that's why I'm here. To open those closed doors. To force people to think about it, and talk about it. If I make you uncomfortable, well, you should be. And maybe, just maybe discrimination will subside. People will be kind, people will be given opportunities otherwise not possible, and people will stop feeling like life isn't worth living. People can start to be able to stop holding their breath for the next bomb to drop. They can sigh a breath of relief.

While I do find life worth living, I'm here to keep fighting, to let people know I'm not going anywhere. I've struggled lately with telling people big events in my life because it all so suddenly changes and I'm tired of telling them oh, that's not a thing anymore. It's embarrassing and makes me want to crawl back into my shell like a turtle. And I'm tired feeling that way because I do actually like telling people my life events. It feels like I'm holding a secret and I hate it.

I know this is a downer of a read, but I need your support. I care about each of you, and I genuinely want you all to know about my life. If any of you felt heard and understood, just know that I love you. I love you so much, and I know I don't say it nearly enough. I don't have the words, and I also know that you might not want them anyways. If I could hold you and hug you and listen to you for hours on end, I would, because you deserve it.

With love,

Mercedes