Midnight Musings

I am filled with gratitude because today my life turned around. Today I got a job, and I am finally going to be bringing money in instead of taking it out. Today I won't have to seriously think about moving back home. I also made promises to myself to do things that will better my life. Today I started being my new and improved self. I've had a great uplifting day.

I have been thinking about my Pied à Terre; my grandmother's cabin in southern Utah. I have been craving going there recently or even just a road trip. Road trips are for me a kind of renewal and rejuvenation.

Maybe this is unrealistic, but after any date, I just want to feel excited about the date I had, and excited to tell others of how it went. I want to be excited to go on that date and possibly a future date. I want to burst with joy about all of it and my date and be hopeful of  a future date. I haven't had that and am desirous to experience it.

I was once asked by a friend why it was that I love rain so much. I struggled to answer and racked my brain to remember why. Was there a certain memory? I think I figured it out. I have multiple happy memories where rain was a part of the setting. I remember dancing in the rain with my old roommates and having pure joy and happiness in that moment. I remember multiple times where I and my family would hear thunder and rain and head to our porch to watch the lightning. Those moments were filled with joy and easy conversations. Surely rain is something that replenishes and helps me in any given moment with any given emotion. It is one of the constants in my life.

I realized I want to live my life in joy and happiness. I want to be able to not need too many things that I think will make me happy. I guess that if there was a fire in the place I am living and I had 5 seconds to grab anything, I want to know with absolute surety what I would grab. I don't want to feel stressed and frustrated all my life, it isn't pleasant and never will be. So why don't I fill my life with positive, good things that will benefit me and anyone around me? I want to be able to say what I want to say and in the right occasions not be swayed to say what others want me to say. I want to know myself.

When something doesn't go my way or how I thought  things would play out, I don't want to become unhappy. I want to be take in stride and be able to realize that that will happen from time to time and that it's perfectly normal. If it doesn't happen now, either it will happen later or it wasn't supposed to happen. I want those to be my first thoughts in those times.

Well, I think that's enough deep thoughts for the night.
Mercedes